The Game No One Wins

There is a game that couples like to play.  We usually don't realize we're playing it, as it's one of those subtle games that no one really talks about.  No, this game is best played with subtle hints, nonverbal communication, and the occasional argument that is typically disguised under a different topic.  The game is called "My Job is Harder Than Yours," and under the surface we all think we're winning.  In actuality, couples who play this game always lose.  

Obviously my experience of this game is characterized by our relationship's unique dynamics, particularly those of a stay-at-home/working part-time mom and a working full-time dad, but I would imagine that just about every couple who has children plays this game in some shape or form.  Thankfully, I started to notice the pull of this game early on in my SAHM gig, but I still battle the urge to play on a regular basis.  This most recent season of our lives has tempted us to take up the bat more than ever, with our days filled by parenting and working and topped by an endless list of major household projects.

In essence, the game is played like so: each partner spends his or her day consumed with challenging tasks.  I might find myself up to my ears in tantrums, messes, catching the dog who ran away, whining, household tasks, discipline, entertaining, running errands, bodily fluids, and preparing for class, all through the haze of exhaustion from being up at night with the baby.  Then Jonathan gets home and starts on the latest home project, which means that I am staring into the great bedtime abyss, all alone in the gauntlet of tooth brushing, bathing, stories, jammies (similar to calf roping), whack-a-mole resistance, and the like.  When I finally do shut those doors, I turn to see laundry to start, a house to pick up, a kitchen to clean, and a lecture to prepare.

All the while, Jonathan is at work seeing around 25 patients a day, his brain constantly engaged with issues that determine how well a person can use one of their vital senses.  He deals with grumpy patients, demanding patients, sweet patients, sick patients, each of whom require his full attention.  That's not even taking into account human resources issues and other office management tasks.  In the quick breaks between patients, he is in his office updating charts, paying our bills, keeping our insurance up to date, and handling all of our other family affairs.  He does all of this without a naptime, and he knows that as soon as he gets home he has to not only be fully engaged with our children and supportive of me, but also needs to get right to work on the latest house project which will require significant manual labor.  After hours this summer he has sanded, painted, built cabinets, installed shelves and hardware, installed a sink, cared for two acres of grass, built a wood picket fence around the yard, built a wire hog fence through the woods, and the list goes on.

We both come to the table feeling exhausted, and it is so easy to misperceive the other's experience.  I can feel like Jonathan is escaping to a world of grown up conversation where everyone is wearing pretty clothes and being intellectually challenged in a socially engaging work environment, and that he then gets to pour his energy and creativity into fun projects like landscaping and carpentry.  And he's doing all of that after a full night's sleep!  (I handle our middle of the night issues with the kiddos since I don't go to work; it's an arrangement we've agreed on.)  Simultaneously, Jonathan feels like I am getting to enjoy our boys in these precious stages while enjoying beautiful weather at the park or zoo, or laying around and watching a movie in our jammies on a rainy day.  And I even get a nap time!  

The reality is that we both have hard jobs.  Both of our roles are demanding and exhausting.  But our roles are so very different that it is impossible to compare them, and trying to one-up each other is damaging ("Oh, you're tired from a bad day at the office?  Yeah, me too.  Did you know that Rhett was up three times last night?  And that Riggs threw the biggest tantrum of his life in the middle of the library and I had to physically carry him out?  And that the dog had an accident?").  As subtle as this game can be, the plays are noticeable, and they create a sense of resentment and disrespect that can fester and cause real harm to your marriage.

So many of you are in the trenches with us in these early stages of our little families, and I thought you might be challenged by these principles that I've been learning over the last few years.  When you feel the pull to play the "My Job Is Harder Than Yours" game, resist!  I literally say to myself, "No one wins this," just to shut myself up.  If there really is an issue at hand, put on your big girls panties and communicate about it in a healthy way (Google "I language" if you need help with that!).  Assume that your spouse is working just as hard if not harder than you are, and that he has your family's best interest in mind.  Give him or her the benefit of the doubt.    And ultimately, ask the Lord to fill you with His Spirit and enable you to serve your family with joy, love, and humility...even if, on that particular day, your job IS harder!