The Game No One Wins

There is a game that couples like to play.  We usually don't realize we're playing it, as it's one of those subtle games that no one really talks about.  No, this game is best played with subtle hints, nonverbal communication, and the occasional argument that is typically disguised under a different topic.  The game is called "My Job is Harder Than Yours," and under the surface we all think we're winning.  In actuality, couples who play this game always lose.  

Obviously my experience of this game is characterized by our relationship's unique dynamics, particularly those of a stay-at-home/working part-time mom and a working full-time dad, but I would imagine that just about every couple who has children plays this game in some shape or form.  Thankfully, I started to notice the pull of this game early on in my SAHM gig, but I still battle the urge to play on a regular basis.  This most recent season of our lives has tempted us to take up the bat more than ever, with our days filled by parenting and working and topped by an endless list of major household projects.

In essence, the game is played like so: each partner spends his or her day consumed with challenging tasks.  I might find myself up to my ears in tantrums, messes, catching the dog who ran away, whining, household tasks, discipline, entertaining, running errands, bodily fluids, and preparing for class, all through the haze of exhaustion from being up at night with the baby.  Then Jonathan gets home and starts on the latest home project, which means that I am staring into the great bedtime abyss, all alone in the gauntlet of tooth brushing, bathing, stories, jammies (similar to calf roping), whack-a-mole resistance, and the like.  When I finally do shut those doors, I turn to see laundry to start, a house to pick up, a kitchen to clean, and a lecture to prepare.

All the while, Jonathan is at work seeing around 25 patients a day, his brain constantly engaged with issues that determine how well a person can use one of their vital senses.  He deals with grumpy patients, demanding patients, sweet patients, sick patients, each of whom require his full attention.  That's not even taking into account human resources issues and other office management tasks.  In the quick breaks between patients, he is in his office updating charts, paying our bills, keeping our insurance up to date, and handling all of our other family affairs.  He does all of this without a naptime, and he knows that as soon as he gets home he has to not only be fully engaged with our children and supportive of me, but also needs to get right to work on the latest house project which will require significant manual labor.  After hours this summer he has sanded, painted, built cabinets, installed shelves and hardware, installed a sink, cared for two acres of grass, built a wood picket fence around the yard, built a wire hog fence through the woods, and the list goes on.

We both come to the table feeling exhausted, and it is so easy to misperceive the other's experience.  I can feel like Jonathan is escaping to a world of grown up conversation where everyone is wearing pretty clothes and being intellectually challenged in a socially engaging work environment, and that he then gets to pour his energy and creativity into fun projects like landscaping and carpentry.  And he's doing all of that after a full night's sleep!  (I handle our middle of the night issues with the kiddos since I don't go to work; it's an arrangement we've agreed on.)  Simultaneously, Jonathan feels like I am getting to enjoy our boys in these precious stages while enjoying beautiful weather at the park or zoo, or laying around and watching a movie in our jammies on a rainy day.  And I even get a nap time!  

The reality is that we both have hard jobs.  Both of our roles are demanding and exhausting.  But our roles are so very different that it is impossible to compare them, and trying to one-up each other is damaging ("Oh, you're tired from a bad day at the office?  Yeah, me too.  Did you know that Rhett was up three times last night?  And that Riggs threw the biggest tantrum of his life in the middle of the library and I had to physically carry him out?  And that the dog had an accident?").  As subtle as this game can be, the plays are noticeable, and they create a sense of resentment and disrespect that can fester and cause real harm to your marriage.

So many of you are in the trenches with us in these early stages of our little families, and I thought you might be challenged by these principles that I've been learning over the last few years.  When you feel the pull to play the "My Job Is Harder Than Yours" game, resist!  I literally say to myself, "No one wins this," just to shut myself up.  If there really is an issue at hand, put on your big girls panties and communicate about it in a healthy way (Google "I language" if you need help with that!).  Assume that your spouse is working just as hard if not harder than you are, and that he has your family's best interest in mind.  Give him or her the benefit of the doubt.    And ultimately, ask the Lord to fill you with His Spirit and enable you to serve your family with joy, love, and humility...even if, on that particular day, your job IS harder!

Moving is Not My Favorite

Well hello there!  Guess who just got internet at the new house?  Just popping in briefly to say that we're alive and well and have moved in to our new place, although things are definitely still on the chaotic side of the moving experience.  Here's a brief update in the lazy blogger's friend, bullet points!

• We have spent the last six weeks attempting to update everything we possibly could before moving out of our rental house by June 1st.  Our landlord was selling the house, so part of that time included showing the rental house to prospective buyers.  If any of you have attempted to show a home for sale with small children, you know that it is positively maddening.  Luckily, after one showing a day for a week straight, the house sold and we were able to get started on the packing/upheaval part of the move without worrying about realtors dropping by.  
• Over at the new house, we seriously spent every spare moment at work.  Jonathan would grab a quick bite after work and head over to the new house until about 11 p.m., and he and his brother spent every bit of the weekends out there.  We also had lots of help from Jonathan's parents and some family friends, and I spent all of my Mother's Day Out days there too.  Between all of us, we were able to sand, prime, and paint every bit of woodwork in the house, paint all of the walls, and finish most of a kitchen renovation that included building custom cabinetry.  There is still so much to do, and it was definitely stressful, but I know we wouldn't have done much of it had we attempted it while living here with two small children.  
• Last week we shipped the boys off to my parents in Arkansas so that we could actually finish out the moving process.  Some dear friends were already heading east to their lake house and graciously offered to add our boys to their mini van and meet my parents on I-40 for a handoff.  Y'all, they had FIVE boys under the age of six in their van; so very brave!  We seriously could not have done all we needed to do without the help of these friends and my parents.  Such a gift!
• We're all moved in now, although we are very much still living in boxes.  The guys still haven't put shelves in my kitchen cabinets, and the faucet hasn't been installed, so I can't unpack the kitchen and I don't have running water in there.  Lots of grilling and microwave meals going on!  It can be pretty chaotic and I am definitely ready to get settled, but I know that one day this will all be a distant memory and life will feel normal.
• Loose ends aside, we are loving it out here.  We spend so much time outside and have already seen deer, bunnies, lots of different birds and bugs, skunks, and one snake on our land.  Despite the separation between "homesteads" out here, two neighbors have already reached out and been so kind.  It is so peaceful.  And although there are things I miss about living in 800 square feet, I have to say that I am grateful for just a little bit more room.  The layout of this home is such that I can easily keep tabs on the children and feel cozy, yet we all have a bit more room to breathe.  Although I can now confirm that our messes are just because we're a mess and not to be blamed on the small space!  So much for that excuse...  : / 

That's it for now!  Off to paint some trim in the kitchen before the boys wake up.  One new thing I'm learning about homeownership: there's always something to do!  Pictures to come soon!

Stuck

Today I met my friend Mackenzie for a playdate at a local inflatables joint.  The kids had a great time and the moms were able to catch up.  

I didn't even notice the lone skee ball machine in the corner until I looked around to do a typical kid-count check and saw Riggins inside it.  So of course I did what any good mother would do in a moment like this.  I told him to hang tight while I grabbed my phone.  Unfortunately, by the time I snapped the shot he had managed to dislodge his right foot from the hole where the balls go down. This pose isn't quite as epic as when I first discovered him practically folded in half inside a skee ball machine.  And yes, he's still crying, but I assure you he was just fine and I think this picture was worth a few extra seconds before the rescue operation took place.  It's just the kind of mom I am: laugh and grab the camera!

So if today you're feeling hard on yourself as a mother, just think, "Hey, at least my kid didn't get stuck in an arcade game today!  I'm doing alright!"  

HOME

Friends, we have a house!

Before I tell you about it, I have to start with two things:

Number One: God is so very faithful.  His timing is perfect and he knows what we need better than we know ourselves.  We are so very thankful for the blessing of a more permanent home, for God's graciousness as we struggled against his plan, and for his guidance in finding this home.

Number Two: My husband is so wise, so discerning, and so prayerful.  He listens to me and considers my needs and desires, but he also knows when to tell me no.  I don't usually like him in those moments, but I am thankful for the way he gently squelches my inner brat.  If it had been up to me we would have put offers on several homes that had lots of appeal but just would not have been the best choice.  

I didn't love this house.  The day after it went under contract I bawled my eyes out.  It just wasn't what I expected when I thought of us buying our first home.  Perhaps I had seen one two many real estate commercials where impeccably dressed couples popped open champagne in front of their dream house.    Naively, I always dreamed that after nine years of marriage, the first home we purchased would be something we absolutely loved and were just thrilled about.  Instead, I felt like I was entering into an arranged marriage.  I knew I would love this house in time, but that day it just seemed like the best practical decision, and absolutely the decision God had led us to make.  The land is beautiful, but the house is not quite my taste, so it has taken me some time to catch the vision of what it can be.    

Closing day came, and after visiting the title company and signing our lives away, we drove out to the house.  The two acre wooded lot had filled in beautifully, creating a lush tunnel over our driveway that evoked the greenlines of our beloved Memphis neighborhood.  I have bemoaned the barren, brown Oklahoma landscape since our return, so to have found a home surrounded by trees is such a treat!    

The home sits off of a little private road on the outskirts of our city.  This is our driveway!  I feel like I'm going on vacation every time I drive down our street.

And that's when I squealed like a giddy little girl and realized that while it is not perfect, this is the home we have prayed for.  We're going to make it our own, and we are going to make many memories in this place.  It's going to be a great place for our boys to grow up.  

The view of the house after you come through the driveway.  

 Jonathan checking out the view to the west.  He has always wanted a bit of land, and I get so excited to think of what a treat it will be for my nature man to come home everyday to a place that recharges his batteries.  This is the view out our living room windows.  It's so peaceful out here!    

The view out of the front of the house.  There is a creek just behind the treehouse and swing; see the little footbridge on the right edge?  I foresee many hikes and campouts in the woods!  I also foresee a tree house remodel as I currently would not want my worst enemy to climb up there!  

Just a glimpse of our new place!  Get ready for lots of before and after shots as we make this place our own.  We are currently staying in our rental and trying to get as much done to the new house as we can before we move at the end of June.  Currently in the works: a kitchen renovation; sanding and painting every bit of the light oak stained crown molding, trim, and cabinetry; and repainting all of the walls from their cavelike ambiance to fresh, airy neutrals.  We are doing all of the work ourselves so it's a beast of a project, but I know we'll be happy all of that is done before we move in.  

And if you know us in real life, get ready for some FUN!  A big selling point for us on this house was that although it isn't huge, it has a great layout for hospitality, and of course the outdoor spaces are perfect for get-togethers.  We are so excited to open our home and create memories with our families and friends!  (In the meantime, your painting services are welcome any time!)

Home Sweet 'Homa

Many thanks to all of you who called, texted, and sent messages via Facebook to check on our little family during the horrible storms that crossed our state earlier this week.  Our family and our home are completely fine, but unless you have been hiding in a cave for the last three days you have seen the utter devastation that has taken place here in Oklahoma.  It is absolutely heartbreaking to see our neighbors going through such upheaval of home and family.

Both Sunday and Monday's storms came too close for comfort.  On Sunday I watched as my alma mater (and current place of employment) was shown on live television with a huge funnel cloud on the horizon.  That tornado missed our beloved campus, but did terrible damage and claimed homes and lives.  I have yet to blog about it, but we closed on our new home on Friday.  In our four days of home ownership we have had two tornados pass within miles of our new home.  What a humbling reminder that this new property we are so excited about could all be gone in an instant.  The things of this world must be held with open hands.  

Our new place has a storm shelter built into the floor of the garage, so when Monday's storm started looking serious I woke the boys from their naps, threw them in the car with the dog, the deed to our new house, their blankets, and some food, and sped through the pouring rain to our new home about ten minutes away (we are staying in our rental until we finish some work on the new place).  My inlaws met us there since they do not have a shelter.  We figured if anything our cars would be safe from hail in the two car garage, and at worst we would have underground shelter.

Jonathan left the practice and joined us, and we huddled around the storm radio as I watched the live coverage on my phone and the boys watched The Backyardigans in a bedroom.  It was absolutely horrifying to listen to the live coverage of the tornado ripping through Moore, and as the meteorologist gave the street-by-street description of the tornado's path we realized that if the storm continued on the same path it would head right for us.  When they said it had reached Lake Stanley Draper, we unplugged the radio and ran for the shelter.  

My Okie husband doesn't blink an eye at storms.  I have seen him get "intense" about a storm only once.  When we lived in Waco, a huge storm was in our area and I will never forget him coming in from watching the storm on the porch and telling me to get in the bathtub while he and a friend got a mattress off the bed to put on top of us.  That tornado demolished the area just one mile from our house.      He knows storms, and I could tell he was taking this one very seriously.  When he said it was time to get in the shelter my heart sank.  

Just as we were climbing into the shelter, the broadcasters started saying, "It's roping out!  It's breaking up!"  (If you've never seen a tornado "rope out" before, google it.  It's the craziest sight.)  The storm fell apart on on the southwest corner of the lake, just a few miles short of our new home.  We were so incredibly grateful to be out of harm's way.  

So many families have lost their loved ones, their homes, their belongings, their pets, and their security.  Please pray for our state.  Please consider giving to any of the wonderful relief efforts that have been established specifically for Oklahoma.  Cherish the mundane moments with those you love and the simple comforts of home.

All Aboard the Riggins Express!

We had so much fun celebrating Riggins' third birthday last weekend with our family and friends.  Months ago, I asked Riggs what kind of birthday party he wanted; he had been to enough parties for friends that he understood the concept of a birthday party and a theme.  He said he wanted a choo choo party, he never once changed his mind or suggested anything else.  As the party neared, he talked about his "choo choo pahwtee" constantly and was so excited about it!  He is in a season of childhood where the anticipation of something is half the fun!  And of course, he is still talking about it a week later.  

He looks like such a big boy here.  Definitely a pre-schooler now and not a toddler!  

"Welcome!  Get some gear for your engineer!"

I hit a major score back in January.  Target put all of its Thomas birthday party stuff on clearance.  I snagged all the hats, decorations and goodies they had, all for just cents each.  Is a plastic Thomas tablecloth my personal taste?  No.  Did Riggins flip out when he saw obnoxious, brightly-colored Thomas everything? Yes.  Is that what matters?  Heck, yes!  

My mother-in-law found the Thomas basket at Hobby Lobby during the Easter season.  It was stocked with Thomas fruit snacks.  If you know anything about children, you know that not one kid wore a hat or bandana at the party, but every kid was walking around clutching fist-fulls of "choo choo snacks." Typical!   

I only served cake and juice boxes at the party to keep it simple, but I figured the grown ups deserved a reward for spending their Saturday morning at a kiddie party.  Mexican Cokes were the cure!  (If you haven't had a Mexican coke, add it to your bucket list.  I could care less about regular coke, but this stuff is good.  I found it at Sam's Club.)

I found inspiration for the cake on Pinterest, and after talking with a friend who decorates cakes for a living I mustered up the confidence to try my hand at making my own.  It was easier than I thought, but definitely took a bit of time.  There's a reason there was only cake and drinks at this party!  I'll do a separate post on the cake some time to share a few of the good tips that helped.

The effort was worth it when Riggins saw it for the first time.  His jaw dropped and he gasped so loud before bursting into a huge grin.  As soon as he blew out his candles, his little friends started grabbing the candles, the trains, and the tracks off the cake in excitement, and poor Riggins burst into tears!  He loved his cake, and it was so fun to make it for him.  I'm not going to go into business any time soon, but it was fun to work on a new skill that I can use in the future for special occasions like these.  

Train signs made out of craft foam, bunting out of scrapbook paper, and train tracks on the floor out of masking tape.  

We had the party at the youth building of my in-laws church, and they own their own bounce house that you can use for free if you have a party.  I also set up Riggins' train set on the floor.  So basically the kids bounced, played trains, and ate fruit snacks all morning.  

Not to let Baby Brother steal the birthday thunder, but does he make a cute little junior engineer or what?  

The brothers finished off the morning by raiding the stash of leftover fruit snacks.  Score!  

Thanks to all of the family members and friends who made the effort to celebrate with us!  

Riggins is THREE!

 April 29, 2013

Buddy, you are THREE year old today!  We celebrated by going to the donut shop and to the zoo, where you finally got to ride the train.  For dinner, the four of us went Chic-fil-A, played like crazy, and finished the evening with ice cream cones.  It was such a special day.

I don't even know where to begin in describing you as a three-year-old.  Every day your Daddy and I are more amazed by the little kid who is growing up before our eyes.  Our communication with you has become so conversational; it is so fun to actually chat with you about things.  You have an impeccable memory and a killer sense of direction; you regularly shock me by noticing turn-offs to streets that we took one time months before and telling me, "That's the way to ____!"  Just as you have always been, you continue to be a very friendly kid.  You say hello to everyone you meet and love to join groups of older kids as though you're part of the crowd.  Frequent phrases from you these days are, "Dats too yucky for me,"  "I can't do that right now!" "I wake.  You wake?"

Lately you have become quite the singer.  You are always belting out a tune, your favorites being The Wheels on the Bus, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, Jesus Loves Me, Rain Rain Go Away, and The B-I-B-L-E.  You sing along to all of your favorite children's CDs in the car and learn the songs on television shows after only a viewing or two.  Speaking of television shows, your favorites are Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and The Backyardigans.  You memorize the choreography and songs from Backyardigans crazy quickly, and we get such a kick out of watching you sing and dance your way through the show.  You've got moves, Riggs!

You have accomplished so much in the last six months!  In January you transitioned from your crib into a toddler bed and handled it like a champ after a few days and lots of stickers.  Then in March, we began potty training.  Much like other transitions, it was a difficult first couple of days but then you hit your stride and have done wonderfully (also with the help of lots of stickers, praise, and a few prizes!).  You still have the occasional accident but overall you've been a rock star, buddy!  As sad as I was to see your little diaper bootie go (except for nap and bedtime), I have to say that your bootie is just as cute in Thomas the Train undies!  

You wear size 3T clothing and size 8.5 shoes.  You have gotten tall lately, too!  You sleep from about 8-7 each night and still nap for a couple of hours each afternoon.  You're still a pretty good eater although some typical toddler pickiness has crept in.  You love peanut butter sandwiches, bananas, pasta, turkey hot dogs, and fruit of any kind.  You still suck your thumb, which we're working on.

You and Rhett are starting to play together a bit more, which is so fun to watch.  You almost always call him Rhettarooter (Wettawoodur)...so precious!  Despite the budding friendship, you two already know how to fight and we are constantly talking about kindness, gentleness, respect, and self-control.  It's hard to have a little brother up in your business, but you're learning (slowly) how to be friends.  I'm hoping that will continue to improve as you both get older.

Both of you go to Mother's Day Out twice a week and you love going to "school!"  Your teachers have been Wanda, Toshiko, and Ashleigh; you love them and they love you!  We also go to BSF on Wednesday mornings and I love hearing you sing all the little songs you learn there.  We have memorized a few verses together this year and I have been so challenged by your capacity to memorize scripture.  You actually learned "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path."  Pretty good for a two year old!  May those words be in your heart and mind for a lifetime.

At three years old you love... the library, the playground, running, your new sandbox, your yellow nigh nigh and Hippo, vehicles of any kind, building train tracks, playing in the kitchen sink, reading in mama and daddy's bed, jumping on the bed, watching shows, listening to music, and going for walks.  You do not like coloring or crafting, getting dressed, going to bed, or going potty unless you really have to go!

Riggs, you are such a joy to our family.  Your blue eyes, big smile, and goofy giggle are just electric.  You are so much fun to be around, have a great sense of humor, and are just the right mix of sweet and spunky.  It makes us sad to see you becoming such a big boy, but we are so very grateful for the gift of your life and can't wait to continue watching you grow into a man.  Thank you, God, for the precious gift of our Riggins Thomas!

Love you, baby boy!
Momma