Becoming a Mother

This morning, Baby Boy gave me the first of what I'm sure will be many scares throughout his life. Boys are good at scaring their mamas, and apparently he decided to start early.

To spare you the nitty gritty details, I experienced some bleeding this morning. Needless to say, my heart began racing, my eyes welled up, and I wanted to just throw up with nervousness. After a few deep breaths, I went back to the bedroom to lay down, hoping to feel some movement that would reassure me that everything was ok.

Jonathan had already left for school and was in lab all morning, unable to answer his phone. I felt so alone and so scared in that moment and just tried to calm myself a bit before calling the doctor.

And this is where I must give praise to Weber the Wonder Dog. Though she had been running through the house and playing all morning, the second I went back to the bedroom she became very quiet. As I lay there, I began to hear the soft click click click click of her claws on the hardwood floor, coming my way. She gently hopped up onto the bed (in drastic contrast from her typical bounding leap), and slowly curled her little body as close to my belly as she could get. Then she stretched her neck out and rested her chin over the top of my belly, and just laid there as I called the doctor. The girl did not move a muscle. Now someone tell me that dogs do not have some human-like instincts! Somehow she just knew that I needed a bit of comfort.

I called my doctor and managed to stay calm as I explained my symptoms. They told me that a nurse would call me back shortly. Eventually the phone rang...

"Leslie, this is Ellen."

Remember Ellen from this post? Ellen is a fellow volunteer and friend from the Farmer's Market who happens to be a nurse at my doctor's office. Well the Lord knew I needed a friend this morning, because Ellen was the first person the receptionist handed my chart to!

And that's when the tears came. Something about a familiar voice and the realization that even in the midst of a stressful situation God cared enough to match me up with the one nurse I know...I just couldn't hold it in anymore. She reassured me that things were probably fine, but that she thought I should come in immediately just to be sure.

A full exam, Doppler heartbeat check, and ultrasound later, they have no idea why the bleeding occurred. The baby's hearbeat is loud and strong, he is still moving around like crazy, I have no dilation, my placenta is in the right place. All the doctor could say is that sometimes those things happen for no reason at all.

If anything, this morning reassured me of one thing.

I am this little boy's mother.

The second that I thought something could be wrong, that he could be in danger, my world just stopped. And I realized that this is just the beginning.

Throughout this pregnancy I have had to remind myself that this little boy is not mine. His life, his destiny, has been mapped out before the beginning of time by the One who knows and controls all. I can do everything in my power to protect him and keep him safe, but there are just certain things in this life that no amount of motherly love can help. And, man, is that going to be a tough lesson to learn; I have a feeling that I'll be learning it for the rest of my life.

But for today, he is just fine. And I'll never complain about getting to see his sweet profile via ultrasound one more time! That right hand was still on his forehead, and I could see him smacking his lips and opening and closing his mouth. Just happy as can be!

Oh, and besides the fact that my kid is ok and all, the big news of the day is that I weighed in at 5 pounds less than I did at my appointment last week (yes, there was definitely a bit of a breakdown following last week's weigh-in). I knew that nurse last week was in way too much of a hurry, and that I had eaten too big of a lunch, and that I had been guzzling too much water before my appointment, and that I just needed an early morning pre-breakfast weigh-in!

Who knows...maybe this week's nurse was wrong...

But for the sake of my self-esteem, I'll take the 5 pound deduction!