The life of a mom is a funny mix of caring for your child, caring for your spouse, caring for your home, and caring for whatever other responsibilities are on your plate. In doing all of this, I often find myself fluctuating between two extremes.
On one hand, I feel this pressure to be Super Educator Mom. When Riggins is awake, he should have my undivided attention and our time should be filled with me intentionally teaching him how to point to his body parts, speak fluent baby sign-language, make all of his animal noises, and distinguish the difference between Beethoven and Rachmaninoff.
On the other hand, I am a big believer in assimilating a child into the everyday life of the home. I should be active when Riggins is active, going about our daily errands and my daily chores, talking him through these activities, and trusting that he'll learn all he needs to know as we go. This is what most of my days end up looking like. And yet I often feel as though--with the exception of meal times and nap times--our days are not structured enough. Now that we are entering the toddler phase, I feel like I need to be more intentional in the way I use his awake time.
If I live in "Super Educator Mom" mode, nothing else will ever get done and my child will think that God's Green Earth revolves around him. But if I live at the other extreme, I end up with a completed to-do list but a child who might be missing out on more intentional opportunities for learning.
So, dear reader, I bring my questions to the table:
1) Am I psychotic for even thinking/worrying about this at all? Does anyone else out there worry about these kinds of things? I hereby give you permission to tell me to take a chill pill. (But really, that's kind of my problem...I'm worried that I'm too chill!)
2) Where do you fall on the spectrum between these two approaches?
3) How have you found a balance between the two? (Because I'm assuming that, as with most things in life, the answer lies in balance.)
4) Where can I order that manual called How to Be a Mother? I think I left mine at the hospital....
13 comments:
1. Every mother worries about such things.
2. I have intentions of being the super educator, although it rarely happens. The first child got much more educational time than the second. Sad, but true. The second child did have the added benefit of always watching/mimicking the older sibling.
3. WHATEVER you are doing, they are learning. Grocery shopping, laundry, hanging out in back yard, or reading,etc.
4. I know your boy is not near two; however, this was a great book for me!!
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Terrible-Twos-Terrific-Rosemond/dp/0836228111
I'm a U of M alum who enjoys your blog.
No, NOT crazy - I've been struggling with this dilemma since Tink's birth! Here's what I've come up with so far (for what it's worth):
There are days when things have to be done, errands to run, chores to complete, etc. On those days, I focus on the tasks at hand, bringing my kids along, knowing that they're becoming flexible in the process.
I like to plan at least one (two if I can) days during the week that I can make myself just hang out (I say "make" because it's so easy to sneak off and try to get some things done). The need for days like this has become increasingly apparent as Tink started asking, "will you read/play/sit and watch with me?" I don't have to do anything fabulous, she just wants me to be with her wherever she is. I do what they're doing - read, play, talk, nap :) I let the dishes and laundry go, knowing that the next day will be one of the "get things done" days. (these never fall on the same day each week, I just work to fit them in!) I also try to let things go on the weekends so that we can spend time as a family. I realized that when I tried to run a bunch of errands or get a million things done, no one enjoyed our short day together! If I look at my week and see that it's crazy busy, I try to find time in the afternoons (after nap time before Ryan comes home) to just play or sit in the floor together.
I'm still really working on this, and find that even when both kinds of days work beautifully, I end the day with a feeling that I could've done something better or differently ... like I said, I'm working on it. Hope this helps a little - give yourself grace as you figure it out, it's definitely a process!
BTW, when you find that manual, snag me a copy too!
I wrote a long comment and Blogger hated it and gave me an error. Boo.
You are a good Mom. The fact that you are worrying about it means that you want what's best. You're happy and healthy, Riggs is happy and healthy, and your husband is happy and healthy. That alone is worthy of a medal. Or a Caribbean cruise, in my opinion. ;)
This is how we've found balance for now (it will always be a continual struggle, I think!). Mornings are structured. We do breakfast, read our Bible verses (as part of our curriculum), play, and put Naomi down for a nap. Once she's asleep, Cub and I do his "school" (I hate calling it that--it's totally a relaxed curriculum, more like educational play) in the living room, that consists of different interactive activities and lasts all of twenty minutes. Then I get us both ready for the day and voila! We have the rest of the day to run errands, do chores, and, most importantly, to play. Lots of playing. At the end of the day, I feel like I've invested in him educationally and, most importantly, spiritually.
I don't think you're crazy for wanting a bit of structure. I don't consider myself a "Type A" personality, but I need a little structure myself! So, structured mornings and free afternoons work great for us. And, if our mornings are busy with Bible Study or play groups or whatever, then we do "school" later in the day. Again, only twenty minutes, and it's super fun.
I know Cub is older than Riggs, but I really relate to you on this topic. Whether you're going to the grocery store or doing a puzzle, Riggs is learning. Don't let the pressure overwhelm you--let it inspire you!
I hope that made sense. Good luck, friend!
hmmm Blogger gave me an error too.
I feel the same as you. I haven't been home all that long and I already find it hard to balance everything. I just try to educated Sean in the everyday things. I should look into a more structured education time though. Thomas wants Sean to learn so much, but it is tough keeping up with the house and making time for Sean. I guess we just have to make sacrifices where/when we can.
You're not alone! and you're not crazy
I can understand. Try throwing teaching school full time into the mix. Not only does teaching in Texas have to be one of the world's most stressful jobs (thank you standardized tests), but when I get home I don't want to be an educator. I want to be a mom and a wife and that's it.
My son is three and a half (tear) and has survived. He knows all his colors, almost all his numbers, and a lot of letters. He has a very large vocabulary and believe I have done very little "educating". His daycare teachers have done some. In September, he will enter a formal preschool.
My view on educating your children before school (especially before the age of 4) is to do what comes natural to them. Read books and talk about them. Talk about colors while going through everyday life. When your folding clothes let him pick out the red shirt, or the blue sock, or whatever. After teaching school for 8 years, I have found that the most important educator is just everyday parent interaction. While I'm doing dishes my three year old grabs his horses and acts out something on the kitchen floor. I talk all the time and so I'm constantly asking him questions and he's responding. If Riggins shows an interest in letters and numbers then by all means set aside a little while everyday to work with him. But I would keep it to a minimum. Free play is so important at this age (as is limiting the t.v.).
More than anything just know that the fact that you are even thinking about this means that you are a good mother. I hope that helps.
I feel pressure too! I'm a working mom, so when Lucas and I get home at 4p, I have 4 hours of awake time with him before he goes to bed! That's the only time of the day I see him, so I want to spend all that time playing and educating. At 8:45p when he's in bed, I want to spend that time watching my shows, catching up on Facebook and blogger, chatting with my husband, etc. I need to spend that time cleaning my house and doing laundry! It's so hard to find time to fit it all in!
we all feel this - we all feel like we're surely ruining our kid's ability to be intelliegent at some point - ha!!
It's funny b/c i just had this conversation with my mom (who has been a K teacher for 20+ years and was MINE) because i, too, felt like "what if i'm not doing enough!!"
Girl - at this age, they need love, they need to learn to play, they need to learn how to be social with others, how to feel safe...
i believe you can spent countless hours and cirrciuluum with tiny tots, but through pre-school and kindergarten, they will mostly end up at the same spot. Yes, some might come knowing a bit more when they start, but they will all eventually know the same things by the end.
I say all this b/c i have struggled with this too, and we sprinkle in ABC's and numbers, and animals and all throughout the week but it's mostly throughout our day...counting cars, pointing at animals, singing songs, books, etc.
PLAY PLAY PLAY!!!
i'm gonna send you a private message about one more thing, too :)
Totally understand. During this pregnancy (especially the yucky first trimester), I felt like I was just about the worst Intentional Mom out there! I could barely muster the energy to play, let alone think through learning methods, etc. Anyway, I'm just trying to say that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I agree with most of the above comments (even though I have zero experience in this). There's gotta be a mix somewhere. I like Katie's approach to "school" with Cub in the morning, and I also like the comments about learning through play, regular daily activities, etc. You're doing great! And if you get all of this figured out, let me know...! ;)
I agree with Melissa- give yourself LOTS of grace, be intentional whenever you can, and know that you don't have to do this, this, and this to be doing things "right." I always said that Noah should have more structure, otherwise he would do miserably once school time came around. In reality, he learned a TON from watching TONS of Super-Why when Sam was a baby, adjusted beautifully at school, and still doesn't have completely structured days.
With each kiddo you add to your family, there's so much adjusting that takes place, so what worked when he was little doesn't work anymore. Sam doesn't get the attention and intention that Noah did and that is sad, but it is reality.
"Never stop starting." There. That's all I should have said. :)
Oh wow, I was JUST thinking about this very subject the other day when I overheard a mom with a boy about Leighton's age discussing flashcards. I immediately worried that I was doing her a disservice by not doing the same! However, I'm of the mindset of doing things as they seem natural...i.e, when I am cooking/baking, I tell Leighton all about it. We point out animals, cars, & other objects and tell her what they are and what sound they make. We talk, sing, and play together. I think she's learned so much just from all of that. She pats her tummy now when we ask her where it is not b/c we quizzed her, but b/c we always told her it was her belly when her hand was on it. I also think kids begin to instinctively gravitate toward certain learning activities. Leighton now brings us a book when she wants to be read to and turns on the little music player when she wants to sing/listen to music. I will say that at daycare, there is a structured learning time, but with 11 kids, it's not exactly one-on-one, more observational. So glad you posted this & trust that you are definitely NOT alone in your stress- I worry about this frequently! You are doing a great job and Riggins is destined to be bright like his Mom & Dad! And, when you find that manual from #4, let me know!
Ditto to all the comments above. And thanks for writing this post - it's always refreshing to know that you are feeling the exact same way as most moms do. Sometimes at the end of the day, I think CRAP I didn't teach Stella anything new...or I'm a terrible lazy mom that just let her play all day. Then out of nowhere she will use a new word or follow a new command and I'm reassured that she's going to be just fine. Just try to soak in all the little moments (as I know you do) because that is what matters in the long run! Hugs to you!
Don't sweat the small stuff...Do what feels right in the moment and you've done your job. A mother's intuition is a very remarkable thing. :-)
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