The Dairy is Closed.

Disclaimer: the following post is a statement of my personal feelings about my personal experience.  It is not a statement that is intended to make any one who did things differently feel bad.  This is not a formula vs. breastfeeding debate, or a debate over how long you should nurse.  It's just me, telling my story.  So don't get your panties in a wad, ok? :)

I have just completed one of my proudest accomplishments.  I have nursed my baby for 13 months. And we are finished.

I went into breastfeeding with an open mind, fully aware that for some babies and some mothers, it just doesn't work out.  That said, I had my game face on to do everything in my power to make it work (a large part of that motivation was health, but a big part for me was financial).  It's a good thing too, because I definitely had to put that game face to work!  Between the typical cracked nipples (Yep, I just said nipple.  On the Internets.), plugged ducts, and even a plugged milk pore (find that one in "What to Expect"...I dare ya!), the first six weeks were a matter of pure determination.  It hurt, and the 45-minute feedings every three hours sometimes made me feel like I was going to go insane.

But it got better.  Even when we hit the occasional bump in the road--a recurrent plugged duct, supply issues, the increased squirminess of a growing baby, a bout with the stomach flu that completely wiped out my supply for 48 hours, and even teething--I pushed on, determined to make it to the one year mark if my little guy would stick it out with me.

And he did.  When his first birthday rolled around, we went down to nursing only at bedtime and first thing in the morning.  And then little by little over the past month and a half, I noticed that he was losing interest, and that our nursing sessions were down to less than five minutes total.

The last few weeks have brought about a change in my heart as well.  While the weeks around his birthday found me completely sad over the pending end of this sweet time with my son, the last few weeks have brought a sense of peace and closure.  I was ready to be done, and I knew that he was at a point where he could care less whether we continued or not.  It was the perfect segway to the next stage.

Early on in this process, I had expected weaning to be this dramatic event, culminating with an emotional final nursing after which I would place my sleeping baby in his crib and shed a tear as I walked out the door.  In reality, weaning was a gradual, months-long process at the end of which my squirmy toddler would nurse for less than five minutes--sitting up, at that--before reaching for his toothbrush and squirming out of my arms to be put into his crib.  I never really knew when the last nursing session might come, and though I felt a few pangs of nostalgia, I didn't mind letting go of that idealistic vision of nursing mother and child.

But on Tuesday night, he was content to lay there, cradled in my arms, one hand twirling my "R" necklace as always, and the other clutching my finger.  He stayed for longer than usual, and I sniffed his freshly shampooed head as I sang all of our favorite lullabies.  I was keenly aware that everything was just as it should be, and that it was the perfect way to end this chapter.  I am sad that I will never experience that closeness with my son in the same way again.  At the same time, I am enjoying the added time and freedom that weaning brings.  He is no longer a baby but a toddler, and it's time for both of us to move on.

Yes, nursing was everything people say it is: painful and uncomfortable, tedious, gross, awkward, sometimes embarrassing, and exhausting.  (For the record, each of those things improved with time!) Yet it was also, hands-down, one of the most beautiful, amazing, fascinating, rewarding, intimate experiences of my life.  Well worth it, indeed.

If you have any questions about our nursing experience, feel free to leave them in the comments or shoot me an email.  I'm an open book and am really passionate about helping other new moms succeed with breastfeeding.  A solid community of fellow nursing moms is one of the best tools I can recommend when you're trying to stick it out!