Seven for Seven

Yesterday, my man and I celebrated seven years of wedded bliss.  Look at us on our wedding day...just babies, I tell you!  (When we married I was 21 and he was 25; I didn't feel young at the time, but now I realize just how young we were!)  

In honor of our seven years together, I thought I'd share seven bits of wisdom that I've learned about marriage.  We definitely still have a lot to learn, and I think the key to marriage is to maintain that attitude throughout our lives together!  

ONE: Expectations are everything!  I firmly believe that many marriages struggle and fall apart largely due to unrealistic expectations.  Whether you expect marriage to be a fairy tale every day or you expect your spouse to be the perfect fulfillment of everything you've ever needed in life, unrealistic expectations  will constantly lead to the disappointment and unhealthy conflict that can eat away at a marriage.  Very early in our marriage I learned that if I was feeling upset with Jonathan, I needed to stop in my tracks and evaluate my expectations.  Most of the time, I realized that I was holding him to too high of a standard and that I needed to relax my expectation and let it go.  If my expectation was realistic, that pause offered me the opportunity to formulate a healthy way to broach the subject.   

TWO: Love and Respect!  The concepts in this book by Dr. Emerson Eggerich have been revolutionary for me.  In a nutshell: women need to feel loved, men need to feel respected.  I could leave Jonathan sweet little love notes all day long and give him a kiss every time I pass him by, but if I treat him with disrespect, none of that matters.  I so wish I had learned this lesson earlier in our marriage, because I definitely have regrets about how disrespectfully I treated Jonathan in those first few years.  My tone of voice, my trust in his decisions, my follow-through when he asks me to do something--all of those things communicate respect or disrespect, and can make or break how he treats me in return.  

THREE: Intimacy is central to the health of a marriage.  When intimacy suffers, so does every other area of your marriage.  When other areas in your marriage suffer, so does intimacy.  Much like the "love and respect" concept, intimacy can be a healthy or unhealthy cycle that affects every area of your relationship.  

FOUR: Seasons of sacrifice.  When I decided to marry Jonathan, I did so knowing that my goals were just as important to him as his own, and vice versa.  As such, our seven years together have seen lots of give-and-take in order for both of us to accomplish our goals.  Early in our marriage, Jonathan helped me accomplish my dreams of traveling and getting my master's degree, which required him to leave a good job.  Later, I passed over some great post-grad school opportunities in order for him to shift gears into a career in optometry.  It wasn't easy, but the reality is that it is very difficult for two people to pursue their goals 100% without your marriage suffering.  The give-and-take and back-and-forth has allowed both of us to accomplish our goals while maintaining a healthy relationship overall.  

FIVE: Leave and cleave.  We are lucky to have wonderful families who have found a healthy balance of boundaries and involvement in our lives.  When we moved to Texas after our first year of marriage, we really had to cling to each other, make our own decisions, and establish ourselves as a family.  At the same time, we've made our families a priority and work hard to stay in touch via phone calls and visits.  It seems that you can go to one extreme or the other, either being overly enmeshed with your extended family or being so intent on "being your own family" that you alienate the people who love you the most.  Finding a good balance has been essential for us.  

SIX: Laugh and be silly!  Maintaining a sense of playfulness really helps me feel connected to Jonathan. Even if we're in a grumpy mood, if one of us can find the humor in the situation and get us laughing, it can instantly bring us back to normal.  I think that sense of silliness and spontaneity is a big part of most dating relationships, so it's no wonder that a good belly laugh can bring a marriage back to a good place after a rough day, and especially in the middle of a difficult time in life (new baby, job loss, move, etc.)

SEVEN: I can't tell you how many of our wedding and shower cards read, "Keep God the center of your marriage."  Which is great and all, but what does that really mean?  I still don't know exactly.  We don't do a devotional book together, we don't always pray together each day, and Jonathan doesn't bust out his guitar for nightly family worship times.  But I know that our marriage works best when we are both walking with the Lord through prayer and time in his Word.  I have learned in seven years that while marriage is definitely for happiness, it is also designed for holiness.  When I stay connected to the idea that both of us our sinners in desperate need of grace, I am slow to anger, quick to ask forgiveness, and prayerfully desperate for God to change both of our hearts.  When I stray from the Father, I am selfish, unrealistic in my expectations, quick to anger, stubborn in recognizing my wrongdoing, and manipulative in my attempts to get Jonathan to change according to my own will.  

The experience of marriage is refining me day by day.  I am not the woman I was seven years ago, thanks to God's work in me and the gentle leadership and accountability of my sweet husband.  

I'm also not the super skinny, tan woman I was seven years ago, but that's another post! ;)