Stop This Train

Last month, Jonathan and I splurged on one last "big" date night before the baby comes and went to hear John Mayer play at the FedEx Forum. As we made our way to the arena, we realized that it was March 19th.

Exactly three years ago, we said goodbye to MamaDot, Riggins' namesake.

We marvelled at how much has happened in those three years. In the blink of an eye we had gone from a very dark place in our lives--full of loss, full of change, full of uncertainty--to a beautiful, expectant time when all seems to be right with the world. Two moves, three states, two jobs, five schools, two careers. The loss of two more cherished family members. The pending arrival of another.

And it all happened so, so fast.

It was a bittersweet realization, feeling so much happiness, growth, and potential in this phase of our lives, while acknowledging that the loss and letting go are necessary accomplices to moving forward.

During that time three years ago, John Mayer's Continuum album was released, and two songs on that album particularly resonated with that phase of our lives: Stop this Train and Heart of Life. In the grand scheme of Mayer's work, pretty obscure songs, so I had no expectation that he would play them at the show that night.

He opened with some big, full-band selections, and after awhile transitioned to his accoustic guitar. And there in the silence of that big arena, that familiar, rhythmic undercurrent that sounds so much like a train chugging along the tracks began....



And if it couldn't get any better, he followed it with The Heart of Life...



And that was it. The only two accoustic songs he played all night. And it was as though he had been riding in the car with us and knew that those songs were exactly what we needed to hear on that sentimental evening. Missing loved ones, reflecting on our losses, contemplating how on earth we were about to become parents, and knowing that the train isn't going to stop anytime soon. Tears streamed down my face as I soaked up that moment, one hand in my husband's, the other on my growing son.

These last few weeks of pregnancy have surprised me with a few periods of sadness. An acknowledgement that these five years of marriage, of just the two of us, have been so sweet. We have really sucked the marrow out of the past five years and have no regrets as we begin this new chapter. And while I know that things are about to get even better than I could ever imagine, I occasionally have this slight panicked feeling that things are only going to go faster from here.

While there is more joy ahead, there is also more letting go.

While there is so much to gain, there is so much to lose.

When I want it all to slow down, I know it is going to fly by in the blink of an eye.

And yet that is life, right? The train doesn't stop. But I do know that the heart of life is good, and that is what makes it worth moving forward and embracing the next phase with open arms.

Thanks, John.