Fulfilled

I'm having a little self-awareness moment and need to process through it by blogging.  But before I do that, I feel the need to preempt my thoughts with a disclaimer.  The following post simply articulates my personal feelings toward motherhood and career for this season of my life.  Key word: PERSONAL.  I am not criticizing anyone else's decisions, but just working through my individual realizations about these areas of my life.  The End.  

Resigning from my job was a bittersweet decision that came at the end of my pregnancy.  I loved my job, particularly the intensely relational nature of my work, and I loved the environment of academia.  But I also knew that for several reasons--including financial--being a stay-at-home mom was the right choice for me.  Nevertheless, I felt that I needed some sort of non-mom professional outlet for my career-oriented side.  An opportunity to stay connected with a field that I love, and with a demographic (college students) that I feel passionate about.

So when an opportunity for part-time teaching presented itself, I jumped at the chance.  My prayers were not oriented around whether or not to teach, but whether I should teach one section or two.  A wise friend recommended that I start small, so I committed to teaching one course that met two days a week.  I was thrilled about the opportunity and thought that this would be the perfect way to fill the void left in the absence of my job.

It was only one week into this commitment that I had a major realization:

There is no void.  

I didn't need this like I thought I did.  To my own surprise, I am very content with this season of my life as a stay-at-home mom.  The avenues for connection that I had already arranged for myself--Bible Study Fellowship, MOPS, and leading a Bible study for some of the college girls I got to know through work--have been just the right amount of involvement for companionship, challenge, and adult conversation.  

I find myself resenting the preparation time that my class requires and feeling frustrated rather than challenged by my very difficult group of students. (Today I had THREE students asleep on their desks and only TWO students had read the chapter before class...very, very different from my teaching experience at a private liberal arts college.  And this was during a group discussion!  I'm not even lecturing!)  I find myself regretting this commitment.  I find myself wondering if my prayers should have been about whether to do this at all, rather than just how many classes to teach.

And yet, I suppose it was good for me to have this experience.  To test the waters and determine that, yes, for this season of my life I am content without a professional outlet.  That I'm ok with "just" being a mom right now, and that doesn't make me dumb or boring or a has-been.  That this new job of mine is the most challenging, refining thing I've ever done.  That I don't need to punch a clock or sit at a desk in order to make an impact on this world.  

I will fulfill my commitment.  I will finish out the semester.  But I will politely decline any other offers to teach next semester.  And I will take on stay-at-home motherhood with the full confidence that there is no other student I'd rather teach.